To feel hurt and to feel joy, feelings that come from loving you. Situations can change, between the morning and the night. So open up my eyes to a new light. I wandered around your darkened land all night, but I lift up my eyes to a new high, and indeed there will be time. And in the cold night I live, I'll only live for you, It's all that I am, It's all that I have. Why do I keep falling?
How far along:
37 weeks, 9 1/4 months, 259 days
Symptoms:
Braxton Hicks, nesting... and reduced fetal
movement.
To be honest:
It started with a small comment at our routine
midwife appointment a couple of days ago. Baby's movements just felt different.
For once, I wasn't majorly concerned, I wasn't anxious and I didn't let myself
worry. I listened to everyone's "don't worry's" and the "it'll
be alright's". I naively thought I couldn't feel him move as much because
he was running out of space, because he was getting too big for the bump. I was
wrong, they were wrong, It's not alright.
We were referred to the hospital that afternoon and
baby's heartbeat was monitored for an hour. Still, we weren't worried, weren't
concerned and slightly confused about the amount of fuss we were receiving. So
naive.
The readings were "fine" so the Dr let us
go home that night, but he booked an ultrasound scan just to double check
everything was okay. When we turned up for the scan we were still unfazed by
the investigation, initially it went well and we enjoyed seeing our baby again.
He's so bloody cute. His head is down, his blood circulation could be picked up
and his tiny little organs were all functioning correctly. Baby was ticking all
the boxes, but I wasn't.
The level of fluid in my uterus was a concern.
That's when the alarm bells started to ring, quietly, and I began to pick on
the sonographer's extra wide smile, there was something to be worried about
here... I was diagnosed with a polyhydramnios uterus - which means there's an
excessive amount of fluid in the womb. This can be caused by genetic
problems with the baby, a blockage in their gut, an abnormality with the baby
or gestational diabetes.
I was immediately seen by a midwife who explained
the next step, there's an entire ladder of steps you see. We need to monitor my
blood sugars. The baby's organs are okay, his size is okay, my BMI is below the
limit and we don't have a dodgy family history, so all indications are pointed
towards gestational diabetes. She mentioned the 'S' word to explain the
severity of these tests (risk of stillborn), and then the 'I' word (induction),
as a possibility. Horrifying.
Initially I was told it was going to be a case of
drinking a bottle of lucozade then having my glucose levels recorded over an
hour. It swiftly escalated to a take home blood testing kit - an entire
demonstration of booklets, needles, swabs and a funky digital device.
That's when I started to cry.
Huge heaving sobs came up from my chest that must
have been hiding behind my lungs. I didn't know I could cry like that anymore.
So frightened and upset.
What I said: I don't think I can do this
What was going through my head: Diabetes? Needles? No No No. Extremely fat or skinny people take these tests, am I fat? I'm certainly not skinny, old people, people with weird skin, people that live on gigantic ready meals, frozen food and dine out at harvester take these tests. Did I really eat that much chocolate? What did I do to deserve this? Is my baby okay? Is my baby going to be born obese and jaundice? I thought I was normal, I'm not normal, I can't have a natural birth, induction, omg induction, this is all my fault, Michael must be so ashamed, I am so ashamed, I have letdown my boys, I have letdown my baby, I'm not good enough, I hate needles, I can't do this on my own, I feel so alone, we'll have a sharps bin, full of bloody needles, a sharps bin, I have to stab myself 4 times a day, a bright yellow sharps bin, I can't do this.
I haven't actually stopped crying
since.
Food Cravings:
I need to avoid everything I craved during
pregnancy. I've lost my appetite.
Movement:
I thought I felt a normal amount of movement
recently but because of the excess fluid, I haven't - it should be more
consistent. It should be more prominent and patterned. Now it's all I think
about, totally tuned in to my bump, feeling my baby kicking, turning,
tightenings and Braxton hicks. None of it is a 'typical pattern' anymore
though. I really wonder if he's okay in there. Please be okay.
Sleep:
Really difficult. My mind races and my bump is big
and uncomfortable.
Stretch Marks:
More tiger stripes have come up below my bump, my
thighs and hips. They're the least of my worries right now.
Miss Anything:
Feeling normal, the prospect of a natural birth,
not testing my blood 4 times a day and being content with pregnancy.
Best Moment:
Being told I can still drink fruit herbal teas. I
might not be able to eat anything fun (I've had a lecture about white vs brown
bread, no chocolate, no juice and limiting snacks to nibbles of cardboard) at
least I still get to sip on flavoured hot water!
Worst Moment:
Clicking the needle into my finger, sobbing and realising again
and again the dangers facing our baby.
Looking forward to:
Baby's arrival. I just want him in my arms and out
of my harmful body.