27.12.13 Feeling the aftermath of the storm in my head, tonsils and chest, I've decided to sniffle my stress and bad attitude away for a couple of hours. I head down to the boiler room for the last gig I will be attending for the year - Arcane Roots. Obviously. Struggling through the support bands with rum, cigarettes and the urge to regurgitate, I somehow manage to find the motivation to make it through to the finish line and boy I'm glad I suffered.
I realise the greebo emotional rock days have moved on when the bloke behind me asks his mate to hold his jacket if he decides to dive into the mosh pit. Long gone are the days you dive in regardless, with valuables dug deep into your pockets, relentless to unleash the inner psycho and simply go berserk.
There's a particular Arcane head bang which is similar to a pigeon or a duck on water, a speedy nod supported by a rigid chest. Probably due to their schizophrenic time signatures. I still haven't quite mastered it so I just stick to my own little dance moves.
Hold on as we crash into the earth, a bit of pain will help you suffer when you're hurt, for real, 'Cause you were driving me crazy. Whilst I hurtle myself around my buddy's house party equipped with my best boyfriends, my lover, heavy music and pints of ale, the years events flash through my mind in a sickening montage of flashbacks and song clips.
When they grace the stage all the mucous melts away, my airways clear and my lungs ignite. My unsettled stomach flips into comfort and my head is nowhere else but here, with the boys, their musical tools and lyrical magic. 31.12.13 Fast forward a few days and I am still fighting the lurgy. Tonight I am busy bidding my farewells to the worst year just about, ever.
I can't get my feet up off the edge, I kind of like the little rush you get when you're standing close to death, like when you're driving me crazy. My relationship fell apart to begin with and like a dominos effect the rest of the years events crumbled into an abysmal mess. My heart broke up into a million pieces and whilst I stitched it all back together the seems got ripped and tugged apart again and again from continuous secrets, lies and confrontations. Bad luck came as a consequence. I almost lost my job, I lost my house, I lost friends, my cat got diagnosed with a lifelong disease, I failed exams and I got a fine from the Police.
The truth is, it was all my fault to begin with and this year has been the backlash of karma. Another truth is that amongst all the good I see in people, there will always be a dark essence of bad and no matter how much I may dote on them, know them, love them and protect them, they are not controlled and will always have the capabilities to fall away and hurt me. I must be able to trust and be trusted. The danger of that frightens me but it's a lesson I have learnt and I never want to revise it again.
I can't find the best in all of this but I'm always looking out for you 'cause you're the one I miss and it's driving me crazy. I need to let go of everything that has happened. I won't let it haunt me any longer.
On the other hand there were some things that happened this year that will remain as happy memories. There are certain times I look back on and smirk to myself, like a nerd. The entire rise above the wreckage, my cousins wedding day, my obsession with Arcane Roots, new friends, new puppy and the new found inspiration to draw, write and look after myself. I think I'm ready for a new year.
3. 2. 1. with new friends and old enemies in tow I sing, dance and kiss the new year in with a belly full of champagne.
If you know who you are when everything falls apart, you are. If you keep it together when everything comes untethered, you are, whole, and if you hold it in until the sides wear thin, you are, and when our time is through, you'll see in front of you, you are. You let the light stream over you, we will do better now you are. So let's build a house though I don't know how, let's make it some place that we'll call home, like you are.