It's little reminders like this that make me feel so incredibly lucky for what I have now, and how far I've come. It's been just over one year since I wrote this letter and I feel even better about myself and life. I read this letter for instance and completely understand what I was trying to explain, yet feel even wiser and even more comfortable. My 23 year old self has impressed my 24 year old self with her confidence and security. I was expecting to read it and feel somewhat ashamed. Which is silly, really. It's an honest letter which delves into my past. I shouldn't be afraid of my past, any of it.
The 'whimsical' posts on my blog are centralised around my lifestyle, their personal, less cryptic and offer a little background story to the 'musical' posts (which let's just admit, are much more fun.) I want to share the letter because it explains things that I have tried to discuss in my posts before, but they ended up lacking in complete honesty.You can read the letter, you can judge it, you can rip it shreds, do what you please. Maybe it will even help, inspire and push you to confess your past and move on, or something heroic like that...
Hi M.
I think it is safe to say that I feel comfortable telling
you almost everything now, and you are getting to know everything about me, but
everything isn't just the fun facts about my love for Mangos and the far away
places I've been to. It also involves the fear, the dark side of the moon and
the ugly cold nightmares.
-I wanted to add an ‘unfortunately’ in there, but to be
honest, if it wasn't for these black chapters of my life, I wouldn’t be the
person I am today. Nobody would be, if they were just pure white with no
shadows of their past.
I am scared that you are going to judge me and you will
feel differently in a negative sense, but I'm putting all the hope and trust
you have earned from me into this risk that I am taking. I don't want this to
define me and I made a promise to myself that it never would.
So here is the princess’ dream catcher laid out in words,
little snippets that contribute to the beginning of her fairytale.
This is a fairly brief version of all that has happened
so far...
The Start
I am so lucky to have lived abroad and that I have such
glamorous stories to tell about it but as a consequence of bad timing, parents
that fell out of love and a bizarre upbringing all in all, it wasn't just
sunshine and rainbows.
When I was at kindergarten and reception I struggled to
make friends. I didn't obsess over barbie or ballet, so I didn't bond instantly
with girls. I wasn't nerdy enough to be into the latest craze either, so most
of the boys thought I was boring. I use to run around the play ground, amongst
screaming giggling children, to pretend I was in a game of tag or hide and
seek. Otherwise I would be alone and the other kids stared at me. One day a
small group of girls asked me to play with them because I took a gecko to
school and they thought it was awesome. (normal....) After that I became quite
popular and confident. I had a solid group of friends, and with my sister four years
above me, I was even mates with the biggest kids at school!
I don’t know why you need to know this. I guess I am just stressing on the fact that I started with no one, in a peculiar, humid and polluted city on the other side of the world from family and a quarter of the way around the world from where I was born and this was all when I was a tiny little kid.
I don’t know why you need to know this. I guess I am just stressing on the fact that I started with no one, in a peculiar, humid and polluted city on the other side of the world from family and a quarter of the way around the world from where I was born and this was all when I was a tiny little kid.
When we moved to Japan it was really stressful for my
family. My sister and I were really upset to leave Hong Kong, mum was more upset,
taking on our grief as mothers do, and I still don't know how dad felt at all.
The Fall
I was a difficult teenager. I had so many altered
authorities in my life, I began to rebel against any restriction. Just to prove
to myself that I was still that sole independent kid, I didn’t need to be
controlled by people or money (blah blah
blah). I found it really difficult to concentrate at school. I found it
difficult to do anything. I had commitment issues with life! I mean, I wasn't
covered in piercings, infested with STI’s and dodging prison cells. I was at
private school for gods sake. I was just confused and the chemicals in my head
had unbalanced and nobody understood this - until I made them understand. Poor
little rich girl, right?!
First, it was my bathroom floor, chaining cigarettes, an
empty blister packet of codeine and vodka. Texts to my best friend at the time,
confessing to her about what I had done and what I was doing to myself. I was
slowly destroying myself.
Then, my bathroom mirror, codeine making me numb, vodka blurring the edges of my eyesight.
The reflection still haunts me. Young, screwed up, bloodshot eyes, mascara
stained cheeks, messy hair. The most hideous picture of myself I have ever
seen.
Another snapshot is on the hills, overlooking the
valley that I was getting so attached to, yet despised so much. It was still
strange and it was still not home. Staring into the night and trying to find
answers to questions I didn’t know how to ask. My head was full of thoughts and
my thoughts were like spaghetti.
0/10
As a consequence of the bad dreams, the depression, the
lack of comfort, no help, too many upside down chemicals, nearly 100 tablets
were consumed. Just a random array of pain killers. Patches of my skin were
ripped to shreds with a razor I snapped into pieces.
My body felt numb, but it also felt like I was made out of chalk. It felt like
my nose was full of dust and my heart kept fluttering and thudding in panic. My
stomach did twists I didn’t enjoy to say the least. Before I knew it, I was gagging
up my insides, my body would not stop heaving until it felt like my intestines
were going to hurtle out of my throat. Graphic details, but that is what it
feels like when you overdose and your body is detached from your mind and it is
trying its absolute hardest to protect itself, to save your life.
I went to hospital 3 or 4 times, I forget now how many
times I overdosed. That’s strange. I was determined to see the end - I still
can’t justify it in words. That feeling.. ’the end’.. It’s cold, its dark, its
frightening and it’s all you know.
Recovery
It took a long time to understand what was going on in my
head, that strange electricity. When I was 14 - 17 years old I was at my worst
in my whole life. I say my whole life, because I feel like I have control over
it now. That is ME, not my mother, or the NHS or the dark corners of my mind.
Just me. I have a firm grip and understanding. I’m not going back there again.
If I ever did, it would be fatal.
First I was diagnosed with depression, then bipolar, then
they had inklings of schizophrenia, then bipolar again, then BPD, then bipolar.
I do not have bipolar. I do not have depression. I do not have schizophrenia
and I am pretty damn sure I do not have a personality disorder, my personality
is just fine.
Now
Maybe you are my saving grace or perhaps you will one day
resent the fifty darker shades of Hannah you will inevitably, unwillingly
discover. Never the less, I love you. You're incredibly special to me, and now you definitely know 'almost everything'.