Running is one of my favourite things to do. Feeling my muscles work and burn, letting the air clear my head and achieving personal goals. Distance, pace, technique, there's always something to improve and achieve. Especially when I've had a bad day, or when it feels like the worlds issues are on my shoulders, I grab my trainers and just, run.
Yesterday was a bad day. When M and I began jogging down the road towards the local park, I had no idea of the distance I'd cover, but what I did know was that I had a lot of stress to let go of.
Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy with where I am right now, in general. I love where I work, where I live, our future plans, my daily routine, my friends. I've actually rid myself of careless people, laziness and even toxic bad habits, like smoking. The bad days come from certain people putting me down because of their own insecurities, stress and jealousy, I think, and they enjoy playing the blame game. The pressure gets put over my head, where it doesn't belong. It's a daily mission of treading on eggshells, and trying not to get taken advantage of.
One of my key motivators and go to stress relief is music, unsurprisingly. As my body falls into the swing of a steady pace and I begin to pant, I immerse myself into a good playlist of mixed genres. With every step, I squash another issue, another fear, another bad thought from my mind and I breathe out the negativity.
Yesterday I was skipping shuffle from A Day to Remember to Taylor Swift to Drake to The Cure to some obscure SoundCloud discovery, back to to A Day to Remember again. I tend to go through waves of rock, pop, metal and mainstream hip-hop. Like phases of therapy, I get sucked into denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.You see, I don't run for competition. I run for me, my own personal goals, my therapy and most of all to save my own sanity.
Don't get me started on what it means to be alive, you're lying to yourself and yet you still act surprised, because you're scared and can't come to terms with what you are. The wolves in sheep's clothing will only lead you so far.
First, I had to reach 5 km. I keep circulating the park. I'm panting, but I keep pushing. I know I can do this, I've done it before.
1, 2, 3, drink, throw them back, until I lose count. I'm going to swing from the chandelier, I'm going to live like tomorrow doesn't exist. I'm going to fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry. Keep my glass full until morning light, because I'm just holding on for tonight. Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes. Sun is up, I'm a mess, got to get out now, got to run from this. Here comes the shame.
I reach 7 km. My own personal wall. So far from the end and too far from the start. I'm still circulating the park. Dog walkers and couples out for an evening stroll come and go. I lift my knees and flip my heels up higher. I can do this.
I've known the pain, that calls your chest it's home. When regret taunts you, just know you're not alone. I know you're tired of the running, from the weight of all that holds you down. I know you're tired of the running, keep your feet on the ground.
I can feel my mind relax and the spaghetti thoughts straighten out. My self-esteem inflates and clouds begin to form under my feet. I remind myself not to let others doubt my abilities.
I know the cold you wish you could forget, I can see you're drowning in an ocean of regret. Severed from your side, what flesh could not confide. Washed up by the tide, on the shore of your demise.
Derive your self-esteem from within, not from outward validation.
I know you're lost, but you're never too far gone. The burdens on your chest from the weight of all you've done. I know you're tired of the running, from the weight of all that holds you down. I know you're tired of the running, keep your feet on the ground.
10 km hits and I dance across the middle of the field in front of me, skipping through the next kilometer.
Oh this breeze, on my cheek, reminding me not to let go of this home. All this time I've been down. Watching them, taking the things I want. Aren't you going to call me? Call me sometime or wait for me to. I haven't heard your voice in a long time. Things will come head of the line. Show them all, all of the things I have won.
"Time; 1 hour, 50 minutes and 45 seconds; 15 km." I punch the air, weakly, and slow down to a walk. I'm at the top of the hill. I have exceeded all the distances I've run before. I did it. I actually just did that.
I reached for you but you were gone, I knew I had to go back home. You search the world for something else to make you feel like what we had.
For me, it isn't over. It isn't over for me.
It is one of my bucket list goals to one day reach 20 km. I've decided I'll aim for 21 km - which is half a marathon. I need to work on my pace first, then I'll work on acing the distances. Now, my goal isn't that far away. My old sports teachers, school friends and well, just about everyone would laugh, but I am determined. More than ever.