Ewww...
So I asked M to do this
More than 20 years ago, psychologist Arthur Aron made two strangers fall in love in his laboratory.
“I suspect, given a few commonalities, you could fall in love with anyone. If so, how do you choose someone?”
I heard about this study from an article written in the NY Times (January 2015) by Mandy Len Catron: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/modern-love-to-fall-in-love-with-anyone-do-this.html
I'm a hopeless romantic, so unsurprisingly this article really intrigues me. M and I are going to challenge ourselves to the 36 questions Arthur Aron included in his technique. As we are clearly not strangers, maybe we will adjust the question accordingly.
Mandy Len Catron said: Love didn't happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.
I've recorded some of the answers:
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
H: Just Michael, or maybe the comedian Katherine Ryan. She's so funny and clever.
B: Apart from my B? Probably someone funny, hmm... I would want someone funny, I wouldn't care too much about a big celebrity, just someone who is interesting and funny.
B: Apart from my B? Probably someone funny, hmm... I would want someone funny, I wouldn't care too much about a big celebrity, just someone who is interesting and funny.
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
H: No I wouldn't want to be famous. If I was then I would want it be for something I had done with natural ability - not something I have to live for.
M: I would not want to be famous in a celebrity sense, I wouldn't mind being famous for doing something great, but really, no.
M: I would not want to be famous in a celebrity sense, I wouldn't mind being famous for doing something great, but really, no.
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
H: Yes, my job is dependable on it and I just generally care about words and communication.
M: Yes! Because I am shit scared! Most of the time I'm okay if I know what I'm going to talk about, but if I am nervous then yes, definitely.
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
M: In how much detail? Work or not?
H: I don't know, if a work day is perfect for you..? Just sum up a perfect day.
M: It would involve a sunny day in a hot place, getting outdoors - like water sports, running or cycling, something fast and thrilling. Also eating lots of food, lots of food, and a huge bed to collapse in at the end of the day. I'd want to be with you, our dogs and close friends.
H: Cool. I'd love to wake up next to the beach. We'd go out for a long jog on the sand with the dogs, then have a big brunch on our veranda. We'd head outdoors, and then end the day with gin cocktails and lots of fresh food on the BBQ with friends and family.
H: I don't know, if a work day is perfect for you..? Just sum up a perfect day.
M: It would involve a sunny day in a hot place, getting outdoors - like water sports, running or cycling, something fast and thrilling. Also eating lots of food, lots of food, and a huge bed to collapse in at the end of the day. I'd want to be with you, our dogs and close friends.
H: Cool. I'd love to wake up next to the beach. We'd go out for a long jog on the sand with the dogs, then have a big brunch on our veranda. We'd head outdoors, and then end the day with gin cocktails and lots of fresh food on the BBQ with friends and family.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
H: you, the dogs... we have little moments of singing and dancing around the house!
M: "I can seeee a mountain at my gaaates! I see it more and more each daaay!"
M: "I can seeee a mountain at my gaaates! I see it more and more each daaay!"
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
M: I'd like to retain my mind.
H: Mind.
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
M: I've always thought i'll pass away when I'm old, but sometimes I do consider the fact that I might die tomorrow... although it doesn't scare me.
H: Yes, lots of times. I'm surprised I didn't get hit by a car when I was little, I was so bad at running into the road. Then there were a few incidents when I was lil' teen. There have been a few incidents that I've managed to escape. I hope i'll pass away when i'm old. Putting up to fate. It frightens me.
H: Yes, lots of times. I'm surprised I didn't get hit by a car when I was little, I was so bad at running into the road. Then there were a few incidents when I was lil' teen. There have been a few incidents that I've managed to escape. I hope i'll pass away when i'm old. Putting up to fate. It frightens me.
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
H: love/kindness, dreams and humour
M: we have the ability to be sincere and professional or extremely silly, the same attitude and tastes, we're both very stubborn too.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
H: My family.
M: I guess, family, but also health. Probably health.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
H: Consistent education, I sometimes wish I worked much harder at school. Maybe my family could have pushed me to study and embrace my education positively. I hated school.
M: Maybe I could have benefited from being brought up a little more confident. I feel like I'm okay now, but growing up I wasn't very confident.
M: Maybe I could have benefited from being brought up a little more confident. I feel like I'm okay now, but growing up I wasn't very confident.
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
(we decided to condense this to 1 minute)
(we decided to condense this to 1 minute)
M: I was born and raised in Kingston-Upon-Thames. I was a really cute baby. I have a brother and a mum and a dad. I had lots of friends in primary school and it was really fun. I had like, 12 valentines cards every year! Haha! I worked really hard at school, to the point where I didn't enjoy it much.. I was always a high achiever, I got myself a job as a paper round boy and always found ways to get pocket money. I have a close group of friends from school and I've had lots of good times with them. University were some of the best years of my life so far, but also where I learned from a lot of mistakes... Now, I have a car, a house, a good job and I look to make the most out of life, whilst we're still young... Haha! YOU are my life..... Hmm yeah you can put that in, I didn't even have to think about that.
H: I was born in Auckland, my family moved to Hong Kong and we lived there for 9 years. Those were the best days of my childhood. We then lived in Japan for 2 years. When I think of my times in Japan, just "culture shock" springs to mind. My family later moved to the country side in England. My sister and I went to a boarding school. I hated school as a kid, mainly because teachers always told me that I wasn't good at anything. This was until I met my art teacher, he believed in me, and with that I actually managed to graduate from high school. I was destined to be a drop out... Since then I have lived in various parts of the UK. Now I live in Surrey with my gorgeous boyfriend and my pets, who I love dearly, in a house that I am constantly trying to furnish and decorate. Who knows what the future might bring, but according to my life so far, anything could come my way.
H: I was born in Auckland, my family moved to Hong Kong and we lived there for 9 years. Those were the best days of my childhood. We then lived in Japan for 2 years. When I think of my times in Japan, just "culture shock" springs to mind. My family later moved to the country side in England. My sister and I went to a boarding school. I hated school as a kid, mainly because teachers always told me that I wasn't good at anything. This was until I met my art teacher, he believed in me, and with that I actually managed to graduate from high school. I was destined to be a drop out... Since then I have lived in various parts of the UK. Now I live in Surrey with my gorgeous boyfriend and my pets, who I love dearly, in a house that I am constantly trying to furnish and decorate. Who knows what the future might bring, but according to my life so far, anything could come my way.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
M: I'd want to wake up with a superpower, like to be able to fly, but other than that, nothing else.
H: Maths, I'd love to be able to be a maths genius, and a 6 pack!
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
M: I'd want to know if I'll be destined to be happy in the future, because if not I'd want to change something...
H: I agree, I'd like to be aware of the future, if there are any faults I could straighten out, and maybe how many kids I'm going to have.
Oh! and if I'll ever get a bunny.
Oh! and if I'll ever get a bunny.
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
M: I don't think there is, I just want to continue to experience new things and take things as they come..
H: Moving back to New Zealand. I haven't done it yet because I have Michael and the pets to prepare and bring with me.
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
M: Being a good person, turning out well, succeeding at university... I don't know, it's very hard.
H: Finding happiness. I'm happy.
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
M: Loyalty
H: Trust and good memories
17. What is your most treasured memory?
M: That is so hard. Is it possible? Do you have one?
H: I have loads.
M: Exactly, it's impossible to pick just one.
M: Exactly, it's impossible to pick just one.
18. What is your most terrible memory?
M: The feeling of... I don't know how to explain... The feeling of being trapped. Basically being with my ex girlfriend, because of how it all made me feel, what it all did to my friendships and impacted my life.
H: Again, I have loads... too dark to share.
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
M: Yes, I would be more proactive, I wouldn't hesitate. I would everything on my mind. I would make decision, I would confront everything and do things with you that i've always wanted to do. I wouldn't waste time.
H: I agree, I wouldn't waste time, I'd make quick solid decisions and get back over to New Zealand. I'd also want to spend a lot of time with my family, best friends and Michael.
20. What does friendship mean to you?
M: Somebody you can spend time with whom doesn't judge you
H: I love relationships, I love my friends and I love my family and I love that connection you can have with a person. It means fun, it means good times, it means opportunities, it means love.
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
M: They make me happy. They make me feel valued.
H: They're very important to me.
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
M: 1. kind 2. generous 3. funny 4. cultured 5. stylish
H: 1. kind 2. down to earth 3. smart 4. patient 5. sophisticated
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
M: It was warm, it was pretty average in terms of happiness, through no fault of my parents.
H: Yes, we might live in different locations, but we're very close, supportive and comforting to each other.
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
M: She's really intense, and we always use to fight, but it's fine... we're still close.
H: Good, we use to fight too, but we're close.
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “
M: we both love the dogs, we're both really hot, we both love each other.
H: we are here, we are so excited about our trip to NZ... we are so cool.
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “
M: but I do have someone...
H: awwww <3 nbsp="" p="">
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
M: trust me.
H: please keep my secrets.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
M: You're really pretty.
H: Your eyes, your big smile, the colour of your hair and your confidence in me and us as a couple.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
M: I had a nightmare and my mum found me in the cupboard shouting that there was a giant banana in the room.
H: When I was little I went to my friends house and I'd forgotten to put any knickers on. I was wearing a dress.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
M: Probably in the last fucked up relationship I was in.
H: I can't remember the last time. I cry quite a lot. I cry when I watch Greys Anatomy every night.
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
M: You have a very nice laugh.
H: When your face brightens up dramatically when you laugh.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
M: The killing of innocent fish in the sea...
H: Torturing animals.
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
M: I've told everyone everything I think... I guess I'd tell my family how grateful I am for them.
H: I think I've said everything
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
M: My memory boxes and our scrapbook. Thats going to be combined into one...
H: The scrapbook!
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
M: I don't want to answer that.
H: Jessica, my sister. She is my best friend. It would be equally as disturbing for my parents to pass away though....
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
M: My hair was a bit shit, and you showed me how to do it better. It made me feel quite annoyed because we had a domestic.
H: I was getting depressed about how I looked, my weight and figure, but you comforted me, supported me to do something positive about it and encouraged me. You make me feel a lot more secure and confident in who I am and my body.